Illustration by Andrew Hamm
Am I eventually going to recommend every single household appliance to you? Possibly. Well, probably not a bread maker since they’re the biggest, most useless things a person can own. But everything else in Williams-Sonoma? I want it all.
The fact that this is a rice cooker and a steamer? Get the hell out. I’ve only had it a short while (thank you, Marla!), but I’ve wanted one for a long time and it’s fulfilled so many of my kitchen dreams. You ever steam something as a side dish for dinner? People take you seriously the day you undertake a task like that. Also, owning one of these signifies the end of sad, sad era of standing over a pot of rice hoping that it doesn’t burn or become mush.
If you make rice more than twice a week, it makes zero sense for you not to have on of these.
We must now learn to draw inspiration from the tangible miracles that surround us.
I will always be into lists. I keep them in my purse, around my house, on my laptop, on my phone - it’s a sickness.
I also happen to enjoy theme movies when watched during their appropriate time-of-year. You know what I mean - scary movies in October, Christmas movies in December, high school movies in June and the following movies listed below in the summer months. Why these particular films? Well, most of them are on here ‘cause they take place in the heat, but some are on here because of how much I was entertained by them when I binge-watched them on summer break when I was a kid out of school for the season.
Anyway, they’re really just listed here on the off-chance that you’re looking for something good to watch. (Oh! And on every single rainy day from the years 1993 to approximately 1999, I had to watch Clue. It was a must because it’s the perfect movie to watch when it’s raining and IT’S MAGICAL it’s so good. Everyone who knew me during those years saw this movie.)
Above: Marilyn Monroe’s ass & some guy
1. The Seven Year Itch (1955)
Is it feminist to say LOOK AT THAT ASS? Yes, yes it is. Is the movie actually any good? I think it’s all right - actually no, it’s terrible. I’ve only seen it a few times and while I hate the storyline more than a smidge, I love watching her in it. I feel like it puts me in a bit of a trance, she’s so lovely to look at. Her clothing, the way she moves. You think that it’s stupid to hate this movie and still put it on the list? Well, what can I tell you. Take it up with consumer affairs.
Above: Jen Lindley & an oven
2. Take That Waltz (2011)
Anything that Sarah Polley gets her hands on will be good. That should just be a known sentiment. It’s hard to describe why I liked this movie so much, I’ve only seen it twice. I love the way it shows how grossly in love and embarrassingly unbearable a couple can be with one another. Also, the nudity was great. And how it touched a bit on the expectations of marriage and relationships - loved all that.
Above: A wink & clarinets
3. Some Like It Hot (1959)
I know, I know. I’m sorry that two of her movies are on here. This one made the list mainly because this was the first movie of hers I’d seen and I really loved the whole story. I feel like kids would really like this movie, am I wrong? I’m gonna make one of my nieces watch it and I’ll update you.
Above: White men & more white men
4. 12 Angry Men (1957)
I know this looks boring. Or was it just me who thought that? I’d been putting off seeing this for YEARS and finally saw it last night. It inspired this post! Such a good movie! “At the beginning, the cameras are all positioned above eye level and mounted with wide-angle lenses to give the appearance of greater distance between the subjects and as the film progresses the cameras slip down to eye level. By the end of the film, nearly all of it is shot below eye level, in close-up and with telephoto lenses to increase the encroaching sense of claustrophobia.” - IMDB - Is it just me or is that cool as hell? Such a great movie.
Above: Aerosmith’s daughter & Italy
5. Stealing Beauty (1996)
I will always love this movie. It’s about a 19 year old girl (Liv Tyler) who goes on a trip alone to Italy, hoping to lose her virginity. Ummmm, best synopsis ever? Or at least that’s how it sounded to me (and still does?) when I first read the back cover at Rogers Video fifteen years ago. It still holds up over time. Also, nudity. I feel like teen girls are way more into nudity than teen boys. Just me?
Above: Iowa & Ray Liotta
6. Field of Dreams (1989)
"They should have stopped making movies after they made this movie. Nothing will ever be as good." - my dad, about Field of Dreams. Now even if I don’t feel as strongly as he does, this movie is fantastic and beautiful and everything you could want in a movie. Am I overselling it? No way, man. If you haven’t seen it yet? Yikes. Delete my number.
Above: Cheaters & sex
7. Little Children (2006)
There are so many instances in this movie that made me repeatedly think, “Ugh, that’s so wrong,” and yet I still purchased and still love watching it. I think it might have something to do with Kate Winslet finally being so unlikable in a movie. I love her when she’s likable, but this side of her is just fun as hell to watch. Also, all the sex. OH! And the pedophilia storyline? Memorable as hell.
Above: Girlhood & Brendan Fraser
8. Now and Then (1995)
There’s a moment in this movie where you can press pause and (for a split-second) see Devon Sawa’s junk. I know this because I’ve done this many times. You do things like this when you’re a kid. It blew my mind. He was such a babe in Casper so discovering a gem like this? C’mon. You’re not gonna look? Get off your high horse. It grossed me out, but I still watched it endlessly.
Above: Boyhood & weird feelings down there about the one on the left
9. The Sandlot (1993)
I always wished I could play sports well after watching movies like this one and Little Giants. I wasn’t fast (in the daylight) and I wasn’t tall, so I pretty much decided to stick with band when I was younger. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy movies like this one, though. And boy howdy, did I ever.
Above: Television & Jeffrey Jones
10. Stay Tuned (1992)
This is John Ritter’s finest piece of work. I’ve seen it over a hundred times. It’s about a man who watches too much television and then him and his wife get sucked into it and have to go through different kinds of (not regular, but hell-inspired versions of) shows to get out. It is amazing.
Well, that’s the list. Don’t care for it? That’s weird. ‘Cause they’re all great. ‘Except number one, remember.
It’s weird how Bobby Hill wasn’t as beloved as say a Milhouse or a Fry. Kid’s the best.
Dear The City of New York,
CC: All other (moronic) cities who allow such practices as this.
You are a fine-ass city. Let it be known that I truly and whole-heartedly know that you’re a great city. One thing, though.
Why the fucking fuck are you allowing stop signs to be placed at the END of on-ramps for your beautiful New York City highways? What purpose does this serve? Are you aware that in a gzillion other cities this isn’t the norm? Did someone not inform you that there’s a better solution? That solution being, ya know, NO stop signs at all? Even a goddam YIELD sign would be something that I could accept (albeit begrudgingly, but still). Why are you trying to fuck with the people who live here and, God, the poor tourists who visit and must be subjected to these signs of absurdity? Are you unaware that on-ramps were meant to be used as acceleration ramps so that hard working Americans could move freely and with the flow of traffic by the time they reach the end of these ramps? What sick game are you trying to play?
You’re encouraging those angry New Yorker stereotypes! Is that what you want? Is that your real goal here? I must admit, that’s a pretty clever way to achieve said goal. You’re setting people up to fail with that stop sign. You want us to fail. You don’t want us driving on your precious streets and highways, you’re trying to weed us out. You’re trying to make us so fed up that we leave. I see what you’re doing. Oh, I’m onto you.
Fix the fucking ramps.
I used to have absolutely no opinion on Lady Gaga other than the fact that I fucking hated Poker Face. And that wasn’t even a jab at her, I just fucking HATED the song. Anyway, no opinion on her whatsoever.
Then a few years ago, she stepped out wearing this outfit after a plethora of tabloids criticized her for gaining weight.
Seeing her in this outfit made me like her. Maybe that’s a dumb reason to suddenly like a stranger, but that’s all it took for me to start having an opinion on her. Still no thoughts on her music at this point.
THAT opinion changed again after I recently saw her perform in Atlantic City. This woman? Fantastic. Forgive me for being THE LAST ONE TO KNOW, but I suppose it’s better late than never. I can’t describe what a fun show it was. I hadn’t heard even one song off her new album Artpop before seeing her and I was still just in awe of her. The entire setlist was great, her outfits were way too fun and magnetic to look at - she’s such a great performer. Even her between-songs banter was good! If you have a chance to see her on this tour, there’s no reason not to. I’ll still never like Poker Face, but this woman is incredible.
You can check the rest of her tour dates here.
Keep spare toothbrushes (that you can buy from the dollar store) in your home for impromptu overnight guests. Classy as hell to have a spare toothbrush for someone.
DRINK THIS DRINK. That’s really all I need to say about it. I’d put off going to Momofuku Noodle Bar for a few reasons:
- I already have a Momofuku installation that I frequent and love - do I really need another?
- They’ve obtained a grade B on their health inspection (unless that has changed recently?)
- I don’t really get ramen.
I managed to ignore all of those valid points when a friend of mine came to town and really wanted to go. I can be persuaded into pretty much anything, sometimes.
Anyway, the noodles here? Good. Nothing to write home about. But the Singapore Sling? It’s frozen and man oh man. Best thing they’ve got.
I finally got around to trying some Big Gay soft-serve ice cream and it was fantastic. Not crazy melty (like a typical Mister or Master Softee cone) and I somehow didn’t end up with a huge mess once I was finished.
People have been telling me to try these guys for awhile now. They used to only have a truck that went around Manhattan, but they’ve got two storefronts now in the East and West Village, so if you find yourself infront of one - definitely give it a try. (They also have locations in Los Angeles and Philadelphia.)
The Salty Pimp, before (above)
The Salty Pimp, after (above)
I know it’s gross and unhygienic, but I always wish I could re-dip my cone after I eat all of the dipped chocolate part off. If I ever make a lot of money, I’ll buy my own damn at-home dipper and re-dip until I’m dead. God, that’ll be the best.
To see a list of their fun flavours, go on over here.